Cristiano Ronaldo Signs For Manchester City

Manchester City have pulled off the transfer coup of the summer by signing 4-time Ballon d’Or winner Cristiano Ronaldo. The Madrid legend was unsettled by a recent criminal charge for tax fraud, allowing City to swoop and secure a 3 year deal worth in excess of £150 million.

Return

“It’s wonderful to be back,” the Portuguese hitman told Soccer on Sunday. “I promised the UTD fans I’d return one day, and here I am. The death threats? That’s just banter. An old man in a UTD scarf hocked a greener into my face this morning, and a Lollipop Lady in Stretford smashed her sign over my head. I’ve missed that famous Manchester wit.”

“There were other offers,” added Ronaldo. “I had a round of golf with Steve Bruce. He got my number from Sir Alex and texted me on WhatsApp saying that he manages a top club. I never googled it, and it was only on the 18th green that the lying bastardo admitted it was Villa. I doubled over and started retching, my eyes watering, my nose bleeding. I thought I was going to die. Bruce sank to his knees, weeping ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I should have told you it was Villa.’ I came around eventually, but I had to ring Bruce’s wife to come collect him.”

“In Portugal we have a saying,” said Ronaldo. “The sun goes up, the sun goes down, but Aston Villa are always a big, steaming bowl of donkey spunk. It sounds more poetic in Portuguese.”

Keane

Former teammate Roy Keane has sharply criticised the transfer.

“It’s a disgrace,” the Irishman told Soccer on Sunday. “And where were the senior players in all this? When Carlos Tevez said he was joining City, myself, Rio, Scholesy and John O’Sheasy broke into his flat and gave him a Code Red from that film ‘A Few Good Men’. We filled a sock each with a bar of soap, and beat the lad unconscious.”

“O’Sheasy went too far, as usual,” added Keane. “It took us 40 minutes to talk him out of dropping a microwave oven onto the poor lad’s head. Luckily for Tevez, we bargained him down from a microwave to a kettle. But you need that bit of luck in football.”

SOURCE;socceronsunday